Per Chance...

I was surprised to find you, rather suddenly, standing at my door. The attempts at words and expressions upon our faces stated more than anyone else could ever realize. It became too much and I simply gave in and embraced you, as tears of joy flowed rather freely. I've waited so long and was filled with such elation. I couldn't let go.

I then awoke.

Almost five months have passed since our friendship came to a halt...almost five months...and during that period I have not only destroyed myself, on many levels and on a daily basis, for the part that I had played, but I have woken as frequently and lost you all over again. How weary I've become of waking from a moment that never was. 

I may never know this friendship again, yet one thing seems definite...the etchings left upon my heart and mind will never let me forget.

friendly fire

The sun clouds over, as your emotions roll in.
Your wings may feel clipped, but your tongue becomes the perfect catapult.
Within a  moment quicker than thought, unnoticed by even a synapse,
Your venomous words begin upon their retaliative flight.

How quickly the distance is travelled, when the destination is pain.

The hurt you've caused is more violent than any physical bruise could allude to.
As you watch your image implode, within their once warm eyes,
You recall, perhaps too late, the love your heart never disavowed.

Is there no coming back from this?

Despair sets in, long after desperation takes it course.
The egde of your mind is darker along it's rim.

Your only thought seemingly becomes your only friend.

To find a bridge, then find resolve,
And stand firm where I must fall.








-j.g. smith (july 24th, 2012)

a senseless act (Aurora)

Despite being from here in Canada, I wanted to write something about the whole Aurora incident that happened on Friday, yet nothing would form well. So, I will just put what I can.

I woke up early on Friday, July 20th, so that I could go to an 11 a.m. showing of The Dark Knight Rises...I'd purchased my tickets in advance. Oddly, before leaving the house I went online, something I rarely do until much later in the day, and somehow came across the headline that took me to what had happened. While I am far from stone hearted, I felt terrible for the people, but thought how freakish this was and quickly wiped a thought from my mind that maybe I shouldn't go that morning.

The theatre was very full, especially considering a weekday morning, and while I focused rather well on the movie I did find myself taken out in certain loud moments and thinking back to the article and noticing i'd do a quick glance around the two side entrances to the theatre. It wasn't too major, but the fact that I was torn away from the movie and thought about the 'what if' scenario really began to bother me.

All through my life I have used movies to help me cope with life itself...things get tough? No problem, go to a theatre and get transported away from your life for a bit. So, the thought that the one certain hiding place that I've always had has become not only found, but defiled in such a pathetic and unforgivable manner has shaken me. After all, if you can't relax and get comfortable why go there...seriously, you can't let your guard down, because you just don't know what is coming, if anything. Mind you I am aware that you can't spend every second trying to save yourself from an unknown death, hell you'd probably give yourself a heart attack in trying to do so.

What I am saying is this: society has forced me to realize, yet again, that the world is dangerous and can get me anywhere...albeit this time they showed me that by tearing down the illusion that my hiding place was never, and can't ever, truly be safe. I'm never safe...none of us are. We trust that society will treat us as we do them, until that lone wolf breaks from the pack and shows us the unflinching reality. 

Obviously we can't all walk around in terror, no more than we will stop driving because it's more dangerous than flying. Yet it still sucks that we have to know this world is as terrible as it is wonderful and we can't control which of those we encounter, or when.

My heart goes out to all of those in the Aurora incident, and I hope that each of us has the opportunity to see how our own movies draw to a close, without having somebody else choosing to rewrite the ending for us.

Here's an article that really impressed me, by Jason Alexander (yes, that Jason Alexander): http://www.twitlonger.com/show/if2nht

perhaps a return is in order

I think a return to this blog is in order.

After a few years of not feeling up to posting, I am going to try and post a bit more often again. If for no other reason it's a great way to keep my mind going and get some ideas out of my head and on to the virtual page...my apologies in advance for whatever content hits :)

Also, trying to figure out the new layout stuff and adjusting the template as I can learn how. Please be patient with the mediocre look, until I can grasp what I am doing once again.

That is all for now, as you were.

Disaster

Tears of deep red blood began streaming down a porcelain face, of purest white
No longer do the smiles threaten to crack, upon this day of darkest night
Hands firmly grasped in tight defiance, as though the air withheld be willed to defy

The clouds have stealthily drawn themselves in and replaced colourful hues with black and gray

An ever unmoving edge draws nearer still; there's an illogical longing to leap from it's precipice

Standing tall, no one shall see the implosion.
No one will know this form is simply debris.




-j.g.smith (09/03/10)

bleeding

I am not standing still. I am not sitting in silence.
My thoughts are sent, scattered upon the wind, only to return as a tornado of torment.
Is it that shadows are frequenting my every step, or have I become my own silhouette?

It is when I am at my most damaged that I sit here and bleed out in ink.

There are often clouds swirling within my mind on even the most clear and bright of days, yet somehow I go on. I am drawn to exist despite all that tries to keep me from existing. I have come to think of breathing as an act of suicide.

I do not find myself lamenting the lost days of my youth, for they were too few and my youth was far more grown than my years alluded to at the time.

My one regret is simply that upon a world so vast, I have yet to find a place that makes me feel like I belong.

time's passing, still

It seems I have spent most of my days learning how to live within a dying world. The desolation of my own life has brought me nearer to insanity than most would dare tread, yet this path seems the one I am bound to…at least for now.

Somewhere I know the sun is rising, I can see the warmth upon the faces of others.

I decided to seek guidance from the sky again today and as usual the clouds seemed to move, yet all else remained in perpetual consistency. What light I could see vaguely scratching at the grey cover ignored my pleas as well. I chose to walk on.

How is it that so many hearts can be crying out for more? For anything?

Perhaps I am simply meant to meander through this world unloved, unnoticed, and untethered…but if so why does breath stay subtle upon my lips while far more worthy flesh goes grey?

I relent and seek the comfort and refuge of my humble bed, maybe tomorrow shall bring more than a tango of turmoil to my troubled mind.