Played so many times, the pounding fresh felt.
My luster long gone, scratches etched into my fiber.
Any song I have left strains hollow.
I stand alone, now dust my companion.
My voice once as thunder, a tempest of notes.
The stories I told, determined emotion.
Part of a team, flesh and ivory as one.
Those hands held the key.
I was once touched in love.
No more.
My companion,
now dust.
I stand alone.
-J.G.Smith (06/20/05)
1 comment:
You keep improving (in my opinion ;-) in terms of your handling of lines. And the title is really good.
Suggestions (which you will undoubtedly disregard . . . )
"I have all my keys, though out of tune" (I'd skip "of" and "I am")
"lustre long gone, scratches etched into" or etched scratches and then just leave out "my fibre."
I really like: "My voice once as thunder, a tempest of notes" but I might just give some breathing room between voice and once.
And you don't need "once" in "I was once touched in love"
Anyway, my point is . . . this poem is actually showing your increased awareness of how to construct a good line.
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