Yesterday my family, on my Mother's side, got together as we usually do at this time of year. It was a well enough type of gathering, yet as it drew to a close two of my cousins were speaking with each other, in close proximity to myself, and I suddenly found myself being asked "When did Nan pass away?"
I was a bit blindsided by the question, but could not remember no matter how hard I tried. After another cousin joined in it was figured to have been almost, if not, ten years ago.
Ever since then I have been thinking about the people I have lost in my life and how much time has passed since seeing them. Also, I have been noticing a pattern in my memory for such things...Meaning I tend not to remember the details so much as the loss. The best way I can describe it is this:
It is too distant to remember, yet too recent to forget.
Many family members have left my side, yet not my thought, and I still have those moments where no matter how much time has passed I catch myself living in the past; perhaps my heart and my mind do not always keep in close contact with each other. I am sure these moments are not exclusive to myself though, how often have you found yourself wondering how someone is doing, or thinking you may call someone or visit them and then suddenly your heart drops as your memory reminds you of the loss?
My loss is not always brought about by death, I miss many friends who somehow have gone from my side as well. It seems a great deal of my friends had expiration dates I was unaware of and at some point the connection with them was lost, much to my surprise as I do not just make friends for the sake of such. Perhaps this is why I am so wary these days when making a new friend, I always figure they will disconnect at some point.
Anyway, enough of the pity party I will put the violin away.
I write this all mainly because I need to get it out, although nobody really visits this place, but those who do know enough to be patient with my musings, rants, ravings, and any other miscellaneous triviality that passes through my mind. Which reminds me, the friends I have that have stuck by my side are very important to me, after all :
With angels by my side it is far more difficult for the devil to whisper in my ear.
1 comment:
This was a great post. I can really identify with it (as you know)! This time of year seems to be more and more bittersweet as time goes by. I can't even listen to 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' anymore without tearing up (and no, it's not because the song sucks, it's because of the line "through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow"). "We all" seems to get smaller and smaller.
However, at least I'm heading in the family expanding direction . . . in-laws, husband, and (someday . . . MAYBE) children and, because you are a brother to me, that means your family is expanding, too.
What's my point? Oh yes. I love you and miss you (especially at this time of year, but at all the other times, too). I hope to talk to you soon.
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