birthday?

So here it is, my 29th birthday…oh the rapturous joy of it all (insert shoulder shrug here).

Is “birthday” really the right name for this occasion? I mean, we only have one REAL day of birth after all…you remember that day right? Let me remind you. One day you find yourself unceremoniously ousted from your comfy, warm, and nourishing environment only to be met with an unflatteringly bright light with which your naked and messy form gets not only viewed by strangers, who by the way at this point are manhandling you for no good reason, but having that magical tube of nourishment sliced and clamped off with cold metal objects. Of course depending on your sex this may not be your last encounter with a slice. Oh yes, and all of this either takes place with a man you are somehow familiar with standing by doing one of three things: 1) holding a device that captures all this unfortunate college hazing to be viewed by, well let’s be honest…just who the hell wants to see this the first time, yet alone be shown it again and again?! OR 2) staring at you with a goofy grin on his face…which may be caused by the fact the woman in the bed next to him is grabbing his crotch like a Nascar driver white-knuckles a wheel OR 3) passed out on the floor…perhaps due to the “excitement” or perhaps the white-knuckled approach downed him before you looked his way.

There, now that you recall, or not, your momentous birth onto the topic at hand again. Birthday is not so correct at 29, I mean is it my 29th year of birth…um…no. So, why not call it what it is: SURVIVOR’S DAY! That right, you MADE it to your birthday, you lived another year upon this planet against all odds….”HAPPY SURVIVOR’S DAY!!!”
Although why do we say happy, maybe it is not, perhaps “CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 29th YEAR OF SURVIVAL!” Mind you we congratulate people far too much these days, so maybe that is not it either, after all we actually congratulate people who get pregnant…WHY?! I mean, we are congratulating two people on the fact they just had sex with each other, not to mention the fact that the world is already filled with hundreds of thousand of children just waiting to be adopted…so why congratulate this? Narcism should not be congratulated, nor should the fact you got laid…although some people should be applauded when they get laid because it truly is a miracle.

So, there you have it, my birthday ranting and ravings, again if you made it this far congratulations you are as warped as myself, and did you notice I just congratulated you for reading…boy my standards for praise have become very low.