"Man found dead, stabbed in the big toe twenty-seven times" news at 6
"Two men found stumbling through park, after poking each others eyes out with their own nipples" news at 11
"Man found half naked singing lullabies to a dead chicken, police believe fowl play is involved" news at 12
" 80 year-old man finds false teeth, minutes after gumbing his neighbor to death for stealing them" news at 6
"Can this food be a miracle cure if taken before 10 pm?" find out tonight at 11
"Seven dwarves suspected in kidnapping of White woman" news at 11
"Tree falls in woods and kills man, wife claims she did not hear it." news at 6
"Clock wanted for assault after striking hours." news at 11
"A murder occured today when a group of local crows gathered." news at 11
"Clock arrested for indecent exposure, caught turning it's crank in public." news at 6
"Local study shows when it comes to reading, those with eyes make the best pupils." news at 6
-J.G.Smith (03/04/05)
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