The only thing worse than trying to fit into this world is succeeding.
All through my life I have never felt like I belonged to anything or with anyone. These senses of self lead me to alter many of the things that made me who I was. Yes, was.
Sometimes it takes just one person to make you realize just how unlike yourself you have become.
Not so long ago I would barely be able to think of a swear word, yet alone utter one; one would be a blessing these days, one after another seems more likely now.
There were times when I felt guilt at the mere thought of impurity, now I almost seem to embrace it.
Church may never have been a favourite of mine, however these days the word church is more vulgar to me than many of the words that now delight upon my tongue.
Once I had an outlook that, while far from intensely optimistic, was at least pleasant; the sun hurts my eyes and I now prefer the clouds.
How is it that I have lost the shy little boy and held up this vile and contemptible man to portray what is on the inside of me? How can anyone truly see the reality of what lays beneath this pile of refuse that I have burrowed into?
I want to be accepted.
I want to be loved.
But most of all I truly want to be me, not THIS.
How does one gather the broken shards of themselves without getting cut?
I have no true identity at the moment; I refuse to call this current state ME.
While this may seem an odd post, it is one that I post for a simple reason. I have made a difficult choice.
I no longer want o be THIS “man”. I want tear down this façade and rebuild.
If I merely stated this in my own mind the odds of fruition are nil.
By stating this in a public forum, albeit a forum that nobody really visits, it becomes a more real goal. If you tell people you are going to do something, well, you better do it.
So, there it is, not a post to gather pity, but a post to get myself back…a first step if you will. Wish me luck, keep me in prayers, and thank you for all those who stand with me for all that I am and despite what I am not.
1 comment:
I think I can identify with a good amount of this post (well, cept for the swearing part) . . . and I applaud you saying it 'out loud,' as it were. :) If I may say so, I think you're closer to the real you than you think. I love you for who you are/have been/will be because I can see all these glittering facets of you that you might miss on a daily basis. I'm thinking it might be a matter of refocussing on the things about you that are authentic. Then the real you will grow from them?
But what do I know? I'm in pretty much the same state. I need to relocate that shy, idealistic, passionate, obstinate girl I used to be, give her some highlights (I think she may have gone grey), and bring her out into the light. Here's hoping for both of us. :)
But, seriously, I will keep you in prayers, thoughts, and heart. I believe in you.
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